We wound our way down the 1 pretty leisurely, stopping at scenic turnoffs and a couple little towns. Its pretty sparse country in this neck of the woods and we didn't leave the coast the entire 6 hour stretch down. Its interesting to watch the changes in the landscape as you move south.
After 6 hours of windiness we decided to take our trip inland for the last little stretch right before the Golden Gate Bridge. My sister, Erika, had warned us that the crossing the Golden Gate requires a toll and that she thought she had gotten a ticket while crossing it, but we couldn't remember exactly what the deal was so we crossed it but couldn't find anywhere to pay the toll, ohh well, guess we'll get a ticket too we thought (found out that we could pay up to 48 hours after we crossed, which we did). We bickered about whose fault it was but little did we know that this would set the tone for the absolute nightmare scenario that was about to occur when entering San Fran.
As we entered the city the traffic picked up slowly....we're thinking oh this isn't so bad....and then we entered the downtown area. This area is like most downtown areas except way way worse. Its night time, Its packed full of pedestrians at every crosswalk, every street is a one-way, there are people double parked with emergency flashers in the middle of lanes, drivers are aggressive, ALL street parking spaces are taken...often inches between car bumpers, and add to that the infamous hills of San Francisco that feel like they're 45 degrees and you're going up a freaking roller-coaster. Luckily our hotel offers "temporary" parking at the door to unload. "We'll regroup there and make a plan" we think. We get to the hotel....no dice....spaces taken. So we drive around scanning for parking garages, keeping in mind the Seattle nightmare with the roof rack clearance. We pass on a couple that we'd never make it into and finally find a place. At this point we're both starting to get pretty flustered because we've probably been driving around the downtown area for 15 minutes. A middle aged Italian gentleman approaches and asks us how many nights as we sit on a 30 degree incline into the parking garage. We tell him 3 nights, he thinks for a second and punches on his phone calculator and shows us $120. 40 bucks a night is pretty standard and we'd probably pay 60 to get settled so he tells us to follow. I remember taking off that we're on an incline and so as not to roll back I kind of gun it......to bad the van is in reverse and we freaking fly backwards about 10 ft almost onto the street before slamming on the brakes. Embarrassing. We get to the top and stop, look around, and park in the middle of a smashed in group of cars and the guy asks for the keys. We realize that there are no dedicated parking places, they move them in an out as people ask for their cars. This is starting to feel pretty sketchy at this point so we bail fast.
Ugg....back into the traffic. Keep in mind that when I say NO street parking I mean NO street parking, so stopping to catch your breath is absolutely not an option unless you want to put on your flashers and stop in the middle of a lane. Jeez. We drive around blocks again....at this point I want out of the van ASAP. We duck into another parking garage......this looks promising..... NOPE DENIED. The van won't fit any further into the garage with the roof rack on it. We decide to try the hotel temporary parking again. GLORY HALLELUJAH ITS OPEN. We dive into the spot and catch our breaths. At this point its just good to be able to not have to drive in this hellish place. I could have smoked a cigarette like 8 ft long at this point.
Ok, so this reprieve is only temporary....what to do now? We tell the hotel clerk about our woes and he says the hotel has an underground parking lot, but its restricted by vehicle width so he'll need to measure the van. So, we head out to the street with a tape measure and roughly measure it out. He says he thinks it will be ok, but I'm not convinced. Something in his voice seems unsure. So, he opens up a wooden door next to the hotel lobby entrance and reveals to us what looks like the entrance to a dungeon. First of all its another 45 degree hill and its got EXTREMELY narrow brick walls and its dark as hell. Gee what a great choice. Take a dive into the hobbit sized dungeon and chance getting stuck or back out into the non-stop hell-ride of San Fran downtown. "Its your call bro, but you'll need to fold your mirrors in" says the clerk. Thanks bro......thanks a LOT......
After some eyeballing and deliberation we decide its worth a shot. This is how desperate we are to avoid going back out in the streets. Steph goes to the bottom of the dungeon to help guide and I mount up on the steed ready to take that sweet ride into oblivion. First of all, the entrance has to be SO EXACT that the clerk recommends I wait until the light changes and swing out across all three lanes and back, in order to line it up properly. @$#@@#%. I do it and I hit it right up on the money. This was the easy part because now I'm on a very steep incline thinking there's no way this is fitting through here...but now I'm committed. I decide the way to do this is to just look straight down out of the drivers window at the front left tire and keep it less than an inch away from the curb. The incline is so steep that barely letting off the brake moves the van forward immediately and the narrowest part is, of course, near the bottom of the hill. So I inch it down like this. "STOP!!!!!" I hear Steph yell. "You're running out of room on the right!!!". Well, that's interesting because this left tire is literally less than an inch from this curb. "Straighten up the right tire" says Steph. I do so and try to inch down again, except this time something feels off. I let the brake up but we don't move. The sinking feeling hits my stomach immediately as I realize the rubber of both front tires is now pinched between the curbs. I ask Steph to look and see but the dungeon entrance is so narrow that she can't see either tire. The walls are 4 inches from both sides of the van, so I can't even open either door nor can Steph even THINK about helping me back out because she can't get by the van. Shiiiiiiiittttt, we're freakin stuck. I'm going to have to crawl out the back door of the van and have someone pull us out of here. This is what was running through my head.
Its time to pull the plug on this operation. Time to try to back out. As to not get pinched worse I put it in reverse and gave it some gas before releasing the brake. Nothing, we don't move. I'm going to have to gun it......but I have to keep the steering wheel so completely straight so as to not scrape the entire side of the van down the wall. Ohh well, here goes nothing. I have to halfway floor it to get that van moving and when it does I just keep the peddle to the metal and hope for the best. SUCCESS!!!!! I feel the back tire come over the top of the hill!! Unfortunately, If someone would have been crossing the sidewalk at the entrance I probably would have ran them over and been arrested for vehicular homicide. Ohh well, back into the hotel temporary parking space. At this point I'm dripping with sweat and trying not to completely lose it. Screw this, we're unpacking the roof rack, taking it off the van, storing it in the garage and taking this van back to the parking garage and being done with it. And that's exactly what we did. Unpacked the roof rack right there in the middle of the sidewalk. What a nightmare. In the end it took us over one and a half hours to park. Too wired to go to sleep and pretty hungry we decided to get a couple slices of pizza and a well deserved beer before hitting the sack and trying to forget about what we just went through.
